Elon Musk: Tesla Cybertruck Is Dead, $20,000 City Car Is Coming

Lost in all the surrounding noise new rules of the U.S. Treasury Department defining which electric cars will be eligible for the federal electric vehicle tax credit beginning April 18 — here’s a hint, the correct answer is “none” — was a statement by Elon Musk that will rock the world of electric vehicles at its very foundations.

Speaking from inside a SpaceX Starship interstellar transport module, where he was personally installing the touchscreens that will control all aspects of future spaceflight, Musk told a reporter from SpaceShot that he recently had a dream after working 36 non-stop hours without even going to the bathroom. “If I want hardcore, lifeless people to work for me, I have to lead by example,” he said.

“This cursed Fully autonomous flight the system just doesn’t work properly,” he grumbled. “I told my engineers to fix it, but if you want something done here, you have to do it yourself. As it stands, if you set it to fly to Mars, it suddenly brakes when it sees Venus in the side-view sensor and makes a sharp turn towards the Sun. I needed to invent artificial intelligence because people coming out of college today are all morons who don’t know the difference between power and energy. We need better human beings. I hope I don’t have to spawn them all myself.

In his dream, Musk – known as Musky McMusk Face to his two closest friends – told the reporter that he suddenly realized the cybertruck was a stupid idea. “The world doesn’t need a 7,000 pound truck that looks like a snowmobile hauler,” he said. “What the world needs is a real battery-powered truck that can haul a 4-by-8-foot sheet of plywood and tow an RV once in a while. It should have room for 5 people and a dog.”

He blamed the design of the Cybertruck on Joe Rogan. “I had just spent the afternoon with Joe. We sparked a phattie and just discussed all kinds of crazy ideas. Honestly, I think Joe spiked the joint with some LSD he got from Ken Kesey.

“Anyway, it sounded so cool in a crazy way – it reminded me of sitting in front of the TV as a kid watching lost in space with my pet turtle. I was still a bit buzzed. I sketched it on the back of an envelope and faxed it to Franz. He thought it was a dumb idea at the time. In fact, he still does. But I’m the boss, which means people have to do what I tell them to do. Sometimes I get a little carried away. »

Musk added: “A pickup truck should look like an F-150. It’s been America’s best-selling truck for more than half a century. That’s what people expect a truck to look like, and so that’s what Tesla is going to do. In fact, we’ll make them in two sizes – jumbo for Americans who like to drive around in huge vehicles alone, and a smaller version for the rest of the world where trucks are used to earn a living instead of impressing people. People of the country. club. Trucks are for work. If you want a battery electrical status symbol, buy one Celestial.”

Then Musk sat down, grabbed a slide rule and shook the intrepid reporter. “And another thing I was wrong about was this stupid solar roof idea. I had to bail out my cousins ​​when Solar City went down, and I tried to come up with something cool to do with it. It was hard to sell this bailout mess to the board, but in the end they bought it, because like I said I’m the boss and so people have to obey me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be the boss and who would lead us to Mars once we make the Earth as hot as Venus?”

Musk is right. He may be an arrogant and important jerk, but aren’t so many famous leaders? Napoleon surely was, and there are hints in the chronicles of the exploits of the Roman legions that Julius Caesar was also. Elon is determined to transform Twitter into a platform that will make him as powerful today as Alexander the Great or Genghis Khan. To make an omelette, you have to break a few eggs. It’s something Musk knows a thing or two about, having had extensive practice running and breaking things – like unions – most of his life.

Musk hints at a Tesla for the masses

Musk also said he was wrong not to make a cheap car for the masses. “We started with the Model S. The resulting profits were supposed to pay for cheaper cars that ordinary people could afford because of – you know – the environment and other things. But I thought we should do the Model X first because the world needs cooler $100,000 SUVs. I got the idea for these hawk-winged doors after a night at a hookah bar, but then we wasted three years trying to get the damn things to work properly.

“All this time GM and SAIC were working on this stupid little Wuling Mini and now they can’t build them fast enough. The world doesn’t need grand touring machines that can do the Kessel Run in under 12 seconds. He needs simple, affordable cars that can drive 30 miles a day to get to work or take the kids to the orthodontist to have their braces tightened. They need a radio, speedometer, heater, air conditioner and not much else. I’ve wasted so much time with electronic gadgets that I’ve lost track of what cars are used for most – basic transportation.

The big and mighty Musk then announced that he had ordered his minions to come up with a simple battery electric car with a range of 150 miles that could carry four people and a sheepdog wherever they need to go comfortably and safely. . He said he might even have a few knobs and switches, plus a tailgate to put groceries and such inside.

“When you get to where the rubber meets the road, people need a comfortable, reliable car that doesn’t burn gas,” Musk said. Because there are no engines and transmissions needed, it can be big on the inside but small on the outside, so even Amsterdammers can find a place to park.

“That’s what we should have worked on – the Tesla Model 2 – all the way. My new factory in Mexico would be the perfect place to build it and ship it around the world to the millions of people who want an affordable car that doesn’t stink of the place or harm the environment. A 40 kWh battery would be more than enough to run it for two to three days without needing to be recharged.

“I can’t imagine why I didn’t do it sooner. It was right there in my first master plan, but I was blindsided by becoming richer than Croesus and let my ambition cloud my judgment. I’m sorry,” Musk said. An exhaustive internet search reveals that this was the first and only time Elon used these words.

“I will live in the Past, Present and Future!” Musk said as he emerged from behind a circuit board. “The Spirits of the Three will struggle within me!” The world can only wonder when the fruits of this new Elon Musk beta will appear in the configurator on Tesla’s website. Earlier would be good.

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