I tried this $12 gadget that’s an Amazon Choice. I remain disturbed

Chris Matyszczyk/ZDNET

A lot of weird things happened in the last week, and I’m not just talking about Congress.

So I was treading carefully through the week, trying not to say the wrong thing to the wrong person – or, frankly, the right person – when I spotted a gadget that seemed to defy initial belief.

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I haven’t had hair for quite a long time. Specifically, any hair that could be described as meaningful.

When I had hair, one of my greatest pleasures was to venture to the hairdresser.

There’s something entirely uplifting about having the same person cut your hair every, say, two months. (Yes, my hair actually grew a lot during my hairy days.)

But perhaps the most exquisite moment at the hairdresser was when we were first invited to the sink in the back, just to have our hair washed.

If you’ve ever asked someone to wash your hair, you’ll know what a delight it is. If they know you well enough that, thanks to the shampoo, they also massage your head, then you will understand the meaning of being augmented.

I had long since forgotten that feeling. Until I went wrong on Amazon and found this: The USAGA Head Massager Scalp Massager 20 Fingers Head Scraper for Head Body Relaxation.

My first thought was to wonder why the Amateur Golf Association of the United States would do any of these things. (This is not the case.)

My second thought was: I like the idea of ​​my body relaxing.

And my ultimate thought: 20 fingers massaging my scalp? It looks good.

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Before I even read the rest of the product description, I had committed $11.99.

Then I read the product description. In which there was this: “The USAGA 20 teeth scalp massager gives you more touch and relaxation [sic]. Ideal for people with anxiety and sleep disorders.

There was also this: “Just slowly move the scalp massager back and forth over your scalp, neck and shoulders, you will feel found [sic] new different experience. A great gift for your sweetheart, family and friends.”

more Technically incorrect

It arrived in a surprisingly beautiful box. This was no ordinary scalp massager. It was, according to the box, a “premium scalp massager”.

I removed the massager gently, respecting its superior quality, and found that it looked like a kitchen gadget. A particular whip, perhaps.

Immediately, however, I had to try it. I placed it above my head and then let it glide gently over my scalp. And step back again.

It is quite accurate to say that I felt (and found) a new and different experience. It was as if a particularly abrasive whip was rubbing my head.

It was like being on a film set in England around 1457. You’re going to war. You must wear a metal helmet. Try this on for size.

It left red marks on my head, which thankfully faded away.

But how did you really feel? Nothing like having your scalp massaged by another human being. Nothing, in fact, that was remotely pleasant.

Or maybe I just don’t have the right kind of head-based nerve endings to take advantage of the new, different experience. This scalp massager boasts a rating of nearly five stars. It’s an Amazon Choice, which means a lot of people love it. It may also mean that Jeff Bezos swears by it.

It even comes with another gadget in the box. An elongated thing with a cupped end that looks like a back scratcher.

Or one of those things that scavenges golf balls from lakes.

back scratcher

Chris Matyszczyk/ZDNET

The USAGA Head Massager Scalp Massager is therefore a highly absorbent device enjoyed by people with unimaginable nerve endings, superior sensitivity and awareness.

I aspire to join this elevated community one day.

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